A man walks into a bar...








He says "ouch".

Q> How many IMDB users does it take to submit a correct profile.

A> None. They don't know how.

Play It Where It Lies


One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"

Elmer and Huey from Newfoundland were visiting  friends in the province of Ontario.
Walking along Princess Street they see a sign in a window of a shop which reads:
'Suits  $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair. Elmer says to his
pal,
"Huey "LOOK! Lord tunderin Jesus... we could buy a whole lot of doze, and  when we get back to da rock, we could make us a fortune. Now listen up der. When we goes into da shop, you keep yer yapper shut, eh!

Just let me  do all da talkin and fang danglin, 'cause if dey 'ear our accent, dey might
not serve us. Eyes be given dem me best Ontario drawl."

They go in and Elmer says, "Excuse me sir, but I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each.
I'll back up my pickup to your rear delivery door and.......
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You boys are from
Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Yah," says a surprised Elmer "How come you know?

" The owner replies, "This is the dry cleaners.."

 

Two baby Harp Seals walk into a club.

So a hard-working family man (father of three) loses an arm in Iraq. He returns to civilian life where he has difficulty finding a new job. While looking for work one day, he spots a sign on the door at a cathedral "Bellringer wanted, inquire within". He walks up the stairs when he encounters the priest, and asks about the job.

The priest looks him over, and tells him, as delicately as possible, that the bellringer needs two strong arms, and that by being a one-armed man, that the vet might not be best suited for the job. The man replies about the hard work he has done, that he wants to care properly for his family and convinces the priest to at least allow him to try ringing the bell.

They cross the cathedral courtyard to the belltower, climb the ten flights of stairs where they find, supended just above their heads, a massive bell attached to a huge wheel with a rope hanging down. Open arches surround the bell. The priest says that the bellringer needs to leap up, wrap his arms and legs around the rope and the ringer's weight will pull the bell in one direction. The weight of the bell will swing it back, lifting the bellringer off the floor, and so on. That the bell must be rung for each of the two Sunday morning masses, the evening mass, and all holidays, baptisms, weddings, funerals, and all other special events. He tells the man about the pay and the provided house for the bellringer's family.

THe man decides to try, leaps up, wraps the rope around his one arm and two legs, and the bell begins to peal. As the bell makes its second swing, the man loses his grip and starts to slide off the rope. As he falls, the edge of the bell strikes him in the face, throwing him into the wall. As he peels off the wall, the bell strikes him in the face again, knocking him out of the belltower through the open arched window, down to the concrete courtyard ten stories below.

The priest is horror-stricken, and runs down the stairs, only to find the man dead in the courtyard. He begins to give the man the last rites. As he does so, a crowd gathers, eventually including a police officer. The policeman interrupts the priest, telling him that the man is dead and the last rites can wait a moment while the priest tells the officer of what happened, who the victim was, and other details.

The priest stops, looks at the victim, and then tells the cop, "I never caught his name... but his face rings a bell."

Daddy’s Ten Rules for Dating

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.