Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me! It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot
the breeze wit h his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

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Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one.

Oral examination at a University. Subject: physics

The first student enters, the professor looks at him sternly and poses the first question:

"You are sitting in a train travelling at 45 mph. Suddenly, you're starting to feel warm. What do you do?"

"Well," the student replies "I get up and open the window."

"Good. Now calculate the change in aerodynamic drag that occurs because of the now open window. What's the frictional difference between the rails and the running gear because of the change in aerodynamics? Does the velocity of the train decrease because the window is opened and if yes, by how much?"

As expected, the student is speechless, doesn't know a single answer and leaves the exam room.

This goes on until, after 20 students, the last one enters the room.

When asked "You are sitting in a train travelling at 45 mph. Suddenly, you're starting to feel warm. What do you do?" the student answers "I take off my jacket."

"You're still feeling warm."
"I take off my sweater."

"The compartment is as hot as a Finnish sauna."
"I take off all my clothes."

"There's two obviously horny gay men in the compartment who want to have their way with you."

Very calmly the student replies:
"You know, professor, this is the 10th time I'm taking this exam. Even if the train is full of horny gay people in the nude and aroused, the damn window stays shut!"

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife
had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of    s  e  x    was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the Marine Corps.

A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Blue replied, “No, it ain’t, Bill. It ain’t rigged — my Missus won twice last week.”

DRIVERS LICENSE

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

George Bush is out campaigning, and he and his driver is chatting along as they drive down a country lane. Suddenly a pig runs in front of the car, and the driver has no chance to avoid hitting it. He gets out and find that the pig is dead.

"Now," says Bush, "go to the farm house and apologize to the farmer, and then compensate him for his pig!"

So the driver walks off, and after 45 minutes, he finally returns to the car, hands full of hams, bacon, pork chops and whatnot.

"What happened?" Bush asks surprised.

"Well," the driver says, equally surprised: "He invited me in for a drink, and then he gave me all this!"

"But why?" Bush asks.

"I don't know," the driver replies, "I only got as far as telling him that I was George Bush's driver, and that I had killed the swine..."

Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."     

We haven't used Sears repair since. 

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi- rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. 

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectuallychallenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver 's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

TAY ALERT!

They walk and work among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they  REPRODUCE !