Post turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top,  that's a 'post turtle'."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he  continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself.  He doesn't belong up there. He doesn't know what to do while he is up there,  and you just wonder what kind of a dummy put him up there to begin with."

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on a Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the Lobby, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally mistyped her email address, and without realising this error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

A blonde dies and goes to heaven. She is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. "I see that you were a blonde on earth," said St. Pete. "We don't allow too many blondes into heaven. In order to get in, you'll have to answer three questions."

"Ooohhhh," replied the blonde. "I was never very good at answering questions."

"Well, then, I'll give you the three questions and you can spend some time in Purgatory thinking about them. When you're ready, send word to me and I'll let you come up and try to answer them. First, how many days of the week have a t in them? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, how many d's are there In Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?"

The blonde heads off for Purgatory and is gone for several months. Finally she reappears at the pearly gates and tells St. Peter that she's ready to try to answer the questions.

"Okay," says the gate keeper, "how many days of the week have t in them."
"Two," said the blonde. "Today and tomorrow!"
"Aarrgh!" said St. Peter, shaking his head. "That's right - sort of. Now, how many seconds in a year?"
"Twelve."
"Twleve? How do you get twelve?"
"January 2nd, February 2nd..."
"Uurghh! Well, how about this last one...how many d's in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Raindeer?" asked St. Peter
"Two-hundred forty-one," replied the blonde.
"Two hundred forty-one? How did you ever come up with two hundred forty-one?"
"De-de, de-de-de-de-de, de-de-de-de-de-de-deee," she hummed.

“Man + Woman =?”
Posted in July 8th, 2008
from:  5280 Denver News, Mile High Joke Of The Day

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can’t find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?










































Where the hell is my tractor?

An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the 4th time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first 3
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married 4 men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married 1 for the money, 2
for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.

Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
Upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down
And looked over the menu...

    Raw Tourist: $5.00
    Broiled Missionary: $10.00
    Fried Explorer: $15.00
    Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The guy called his Friend over and asked,

"Why such A huge price difference for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of s..., it takes all morning."