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Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
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The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread |
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| Author |
Message |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 670 |
| | Posted: | | | | Jesus' Ethnicity
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with his meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, he had to get up because there was still work to do | | | | The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet. (William Gibson) |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation:  |  Posts: 5,493 |
| | Posted: | | | | An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and
orders some coffee. after sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6_foot tall, 175_pound blonde gal with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
Well 'No...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry | | | | Last edited: by widescreenforever |
| | Registered: May 27, 2007 |  Posts: 691 |
| | Posted: | | | | A guy and a woman met in a bar, they felt the glow and the guy followed the woman home to her appartment.
When there, he saw a big collection of teddybears, 3 rows on the wall.
the smallest at the bottom, the middlesize bears on the middle row, and the big teddys on the top row.
He could not help himself wonder why a grown up woman had all those bears stuck to a wall in her bedroom, but didnt want to ruin the moment asking her about it.
So he ripped her clothes off, they had sex, and after both om them sat on the floor sharing a smoke. He looked at her and asked how it was, if it was any good for her as it was for him.
She looked at the bears, then looked at him, and said.
"HM, lets put it like this, you can take a teddybear from the third price row at the bottom....." | | | | Unfortunately, I can't use DVDprofiler at the moment due to lack of a Windows computer. |
| | Registered: March 19, 2007 |  Posts: 299 |
| | | Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 315 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting Chazcdc54: Quote:
?? He meant: "HM, let's put it like this, you can take a teddybear from the third pri ze row at the bottom....."  | | | | With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. | | | | Last edited: by Skywatcher |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: |  Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | HOW TO BE A PERFECT BITCH
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best Dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million dollars in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear........
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.' | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 19, 2007 | | Posts: 74 |
| | Posted: | | | | Two Drinking Buddles
One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC.
They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored.
Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!” in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.”
“Really?” said Jim
“That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David
“Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!” Said Jim.
SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said.
About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said
“Hello Jim?” Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?”
Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over, not even sick man, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?”
David replied ”Me too man, but I have one question for you.”
Jim said, “Sure man what is it?”
“Have you farted yet man?” Jim said
“Ummmmm No. Why?”
“Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!” | | | | To Err is human, to really louse things up takes a Computer...... |
| | Registered: September 10, 2008 | | Posts: 164 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting Kevin: Quote:
Quoting Kathy:
Quote:
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like 'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.'
Actually the Electrolux company is based in Michigan, about 40 miles from me.  Electrolux is a Swedish company. When I lived in Stockholm, every major appliance in our flat was made by Electrolux: vacuum, range, refrigerator, dish washer, laundry washer. | | | -R.
Windows 7 (Home Premium) SP1; 64-bit
DVD Profiler 3.8.1 |
| | Registered: March 19, 2007 | | Posts: 299 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting Skywatcher: Quote:
Quoting Chazcdc54:
Quote:
??
He meant:
"HM, let's put it like this, you can take a teddybear from the third prize row at the bottom....." Repeating it does not make it clearer my friend. I feel like a dunce. This is the first one I don't get.  |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 1,136 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting Chazcdc54: Quote:
Quoting Skywatcher:
Quote:
Quoting Chazcdc54:
Quote:
??
He meant:
"HM, let's put it like this, you can take a teddybear from the third prize row at the bottom....."
Repeating it does not make it clearer my friend. I feel like a dunce. This is the first one I don't get. Ok, you are at a fun fair, and you get given 5 balls to throw into a bottle, if you get 1 ball in, you are "OK" and get a prize from the bottom shelf If you get 3 Balls in, you are "Good" and pick from the middle shelf If you are lucky, or... "Great" you get all 5 in, and choose from the top shelf (where the best prize sits) | | | Signature? We don't need no stinking... hang on, this has been done... blast [oooh now in Widescreen]
Ah... well you see.... I thought I'd say something more interesting... but cannot think of anything..... oh well
And to those of you who have disabled viewing of these signature files "hello" (or not) Registered: July 27, 2004 |
| | Registered: September 10, 2008 | | Posts: 164 |
| | Posted: | | | | Barack Obama, John McCain and a giraffe go into a bar.
The bartender looks up from his want-ads and says
"Is this a joke?"
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-H. L. Mencken
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-Lily Tomlin
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-Steven Wright | | | -R.
Windows 7 (Home Premium) SP1; 64-bit
DVD Profiler 3.8.1 |
| | Registered: April 8, 2007 | | Posts: 1,057 |
| | Posted: | | | | A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba." | | | If I felt any better I'd be sick!
Envy is mental theft. If you covet another mans possessions, then you should be willing to take on his responsibilities, heartaches, and troubles, along with his money. D. Koontz |
| | Registered: March 28, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 1,299 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting Chazcdc54: Quote:
Quoting Skywatcher:
Quote:
Quoting Chazcdc54:
Quote:
??
He meant:
"HM, let's put it like this, you can take a teddybear from the third prize row at the bottom....."
Repeating it does not make it clearer my friend. I feel like a dunce. This is the first one I don't get. I'm guessing English isn't your first language? No worries if it isn't obviously, just thought I'd point out what Skywatcher was going for with the above line. Pri ce (with a C) means how much something costs. This is what was in the original joke, and clearly a typo. Pri ze (with a Z) means a reward for doing something. This is what the original joke should have said, and what Skywatcher changed in his quote. I'm guessing he assumed this was the reason for your confusion. As for the explanation of the joke itself, FunkyLA's taken care of it. KM | | | Tags, tags, bo bags, banana fana fo fags, mi my mo mags, TAGS!
Dolly's not alone. You can also clone profiles.
You've got questions? You've got answers? Take the DVD Profiler Wiki for a spin. | | | | Last edited: by Astrakan |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | | Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | I presume some of you have seen the 'Maxine' cartoons.
The Best Living Will I've Seen
(It works for me)
I, MAXINE, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept
alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should
my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors
interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of
time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine.
chocolate.
Margarita.
Martini straight up.
Cold Beer.
scotch on the rocks.
Chicken fried steak.
cream gravy.
ice cream.
Mexican food.
chocolate.
French fries.
chocolate.
Pizza.
chocolate.
cup of tea.
chocolate.
KFC Chicken.
chocolate.
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct
my appointed person and attending physicians to pull
the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat / skinny lady sing'...
and call it a day! I'll see ya`ll on the other side. | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| | Registered: April 8, 2007 | | Posts: 1,057 |
| | Posted: | | | | Cliff's Buffalo Theory
This is credited to an episode of Cheers in which Cliff explains to Norm the 'Buffalo Theory':
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive
drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And
that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers." | | | If I felt any better I'd be sick!
Envy is mental theft. If you covet another mans possessions, then you should be willing to take on his responsibilities, heartaches, and troubles, along with his money. D. Koontz |
| | Registered: March 19, 2007 | | Posts: 299 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting FunkyLA: Quote:
Quoting Chazcdc54:
Quote:
Quoting Skywatcher:
Quote:
Quoting Chazcdc54:
Quote:
??
He meant:
"HM, let's put it like this, you can take a teddybear from the third prize row at the bottom....."
Repeating it does not make it clearer my friend. I feel like a dunce. This is the first one I don't get.
Ok, you are at a fun fair, and you get given 5 balls to throw into a bottle, if you get 1 ball in, you are "OK" and get a prize from the bottom shelf
If you get 3 Balls in, you are "Good" and pick from the middle shelf
If you are lucky, or... "Great" you get all 5 in, and choose from the top shelf (where the best prize sits) Thanks very much, sir! I just missed the carny reference is all. Went totally over my head. Whooppee!  |
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