Urban legend. Go to the Stanford site for the real story...

Quoting DavidTJorge:

Quote:
Urban legend. Go to the Stanford site for the real story...

or snopes ....

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

I'm feeling a ground swell how about you?

The Perfect Solution  to Senior Health Care

While discussing the  upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law  the other day, I think we have found the solution.

I am sure  you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need  to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any  health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford  to take care of you anymore. You don't need any  medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all,  they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is  the solution.

When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets.

You  are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.

Of course,  you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a  roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! 

New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip,  knee, kidney, lung, heart?

Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this.

The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.

And, since you  are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any  income tax.

I really think we have a  Perfect solution!!!

My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup.
She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big dog to work.
Every day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single day.

Anyway, I drive these idiots around in my van and we solve mysteries and stuff.

Husbands DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES!

  ...Sometimes it is best to stay quiet!!

  A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
  their  bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look
  for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
  coffee in front of him.
  He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
  wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip
  of his coffee.
  'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
  'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

  The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we
  first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
  remember back then?' he says solemnly.
  The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring,
  so sensitive.
  'Yes, I do' she replies.
  The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
  'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
  car?'
  'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
  beside him.

  The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
  my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you
  to jail for 20 years?'

  'I remember that too' she replies softly.
  He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

  'I would have been released today.'

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a
color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in
a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear
anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S
GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which
comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting
around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken
broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You
mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic
jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am
being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal
cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you
drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result..'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience,
with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
very nervous. Not only was I worried about the
procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for
something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck
the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein
in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but
Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would
have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube,
but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in
my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized
that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked
to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere
behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the
moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If
you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through
it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel
the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back
in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I
felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that
my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies....
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during
the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that
the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4.. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:
12 . 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that
my head is not up there?'

To true to be funny if....
I had one of those, I think they had a special on those,
I think they were really pushing them, never again.

BBC News - A driver who drove his Rolls-Royce into a Tesco supermarket in Hampshire has been jailed. Apparently, "he had a grudge against the shop over a failed delivery of a mattress."

Americans use guns, the Middle-East uses bombs and the Far East uses knives. But the British, we use Rolls-Royces for retaliatory purposes. It's this sort of class act that makes Britain Great.