A blonde woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said,"Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The blonde nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and then they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an Arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii , and in return he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain said. "You're on the Nanaimo Ferry!"

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled " BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Tough Old Cowboy

A tought old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchidren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be

Two Lenasia cousins, Ravi and Pravesh, are walking down the street one day.
They happen to come upon a crematorium.  Ravi promptly asks Pravesh,
"Hey cousin, what's this crematorium thing?"
Pravesh: "Hey no man, how must I know?"
Ravi : "Well run in there and check it out!"
Pravesh runs in, a couple minutes later he exits the crematorium severely beaten, covered in his own blood. Ravi (quite shocked, asks): "And now Pravesh, what happened to you man?"

Pravesh: "No man, I go inside, right!"
Ravi : "Right?"
Pravesh: "I see all these sad people standing around, right?"
Ravi : "Right?"

Pravesh: "So I ask them, hey what's cooking?"

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ..........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? Your punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.  Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally well read Bible.  The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city.  It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen.  The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and jewellery.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him.  They were all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.  As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favour: "Before you come back here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat.  Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.  He said He'd never been in this church."

NO Cheating - don't look at the answers until you take the test!!!!
 
History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.

This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life.

*** Get paper & pencil & number from 1 to 20.
****Write the letter of each answer & score at the end.

Then before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line. Send to friends so everyone can HAVE FUN!!!! 
 
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob.
b. On the floor board, to the left of the  clutch.
c. Next to the horn.

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a . Capture lightning bugs.
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.
c. Large salt shaker.

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sle d.
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum  named  for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b.. Gin
c. Craps

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II.
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a . Strips of dried peanut butter.
b. Chocolate licorice bars.
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot.
c. Long pieces of twine.

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts.
b. Ask Mom.
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-MO.

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s and 1950s?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. 'I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey'
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek.
b. What you did when your  Mom called you in to do ch ores.
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure.

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like
bubble gum.
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.

18. Praise the Lord , & pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song 'Cabdriver' a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The  Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
----------------------------- -------------------------------

ANSWERS

1. (b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in
Europe , took till the late '60's to catch on.

2.. (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing..  Who had a steam iron?

3. (c) Cold weather caused  the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4 . (a) Blackjack Gum.

5. (b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. (a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. (c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. (a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. [a] With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. (c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. (c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. (b) Taxi , Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. (c) Macaroni.

14. (c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. (a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. (a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. (b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. (c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. (a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.

20. (a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good to day.

SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental
abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who
should share your wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your
experiences.

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.  As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk! 

Soon they passed some more people who thought  they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. 
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. 

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!  Have A Nice Day
And Be Careful With Your Donkey

The Oldgoat.