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Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
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The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread |
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Author |
Message |
Registered: March 10, 2009 | Posts: 2,248 |
| Posted: | | | | Quoting Blair76: Quote: Ew You love it. |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 5,493 |
| Posted: | | | | With the help of talk show writers and just plain twisted people, this list of Tiger Wood jokes has gone viral via email. In case you haven't received your copy yet, here's the latest yuks at poor Tiger's expense.
One:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Two:
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Three:
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
Four:
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Five:
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Six:
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Seven:
This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards
Eight:
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Nine:
After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree
Ten:
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| Registered: September 18, 2008 | Reputation: | Posts: 2,650 |
| Posted: | | | | It’s now the festive season, when people all over the world are acknowledging a female virgin’s miraculous achievement.
But that’s enough about Susan Boyle's album sales. |
| Registered: March 14, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 2,652 |
| Posted: | | | | It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" , said Rosita. Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." , replied Rosita. "Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley Caroline |
| Registered: September 18, 2008 | Reputation: | Posts: 2,650 |
| Posted: | | | | Forum Moderator: Removed due to complaints. | | | Last edited: by Forum Moderator |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,414 |
| Posted: | | | | More Tiger: Why was Tiger so surprised?
It was the first time that 18 ho's played him. | | | "This movie has warped my fragile little mind." |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,796 |
| Posted: | | | | Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own. Ineptocracy, You got to love it. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| Registered: March 14, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 2,652 |
| Posted: | | | | Blonde Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long! | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley Caroline |
| Registered: March 14, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 2,652 |
| Posted: | | | | Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an unfriendly person | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley Caroline |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 5,493 |
| Posted: | | | | A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 5,493 |
| Posted: | | | | A man owned a small farm in Southern Alberta. The Alberta Labour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Rye every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent. "That would be me", replied the farmer. | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,796 |
| Posted: | | | | A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down..'
.........................................
A co-worker while squabbling over money with his wife.. said he oght to take your beauty treatments off his income tax as a loss. They're now divorced. | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own. Ineptocracy, You got to love it. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln | | | Last edited: by Srehtims |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 5,493 |
| Posted: | | | | an oldie but a goodie.. | | | In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.
Terry |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,796 |
| Posted: | | | | Pedro: “Poncho, why so sad.” Poncho: “My uncle. he was killed by a weesel.”: Pedro: Poncho how can that be, your uncle is so big and the weesel is so small.” Poncho: “My uncle was walking down the railroad tracks and weesel he don't hear it.” | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own. Ineptocracy, You got to love it. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln | | | Last edited: by Srehtims |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,796 |
| Posted: | | | | Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."
One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question, "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
The tools available to us are as follows:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave or the single digit salute." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites. | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own. Ineptocracy, You got to love it. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| Registered: March 14, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 2,652 |
| Posted: | | | | Quoting Srehtims: Quote: Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."
One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question, "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
The tools available to us are as follows:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave or the single digit salute." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites. Good one! | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley Caroline |
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Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
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