What do you call two feminists doing the washing up?

A start.

For my friends trying to get ahead in the BUSINESS WORLD, you will thank me for giving you a "LEG UP".

Read on...


5-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at t he top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your
friend.

(3 ) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

At some point in life 98% of women will have over a billion smart cells in their body... the depressing news is that almost 85% of these women spit them straight back out again.

New Security Alerts around the Globe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." It is expected that security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy composed of some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "shiitake mushroom, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Meanwhile the Americans, as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and  had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked back to their  old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the  old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an  armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up,  but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the  money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it  back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She  put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 


The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car  yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She  hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him,  he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says:  "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . " 

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and  says, "We're outta here."

A mental hospital is having to cut back on staff due the current economic decline.  In order to cover for the lack of staff the warden decides he will get the brightest person from each floor to be a 'keyholder' and therefor a steward.

He calls everyone into the hall on the first floor and holds up an apple.  "Who can tell me what this is?" he asks.  Everyone shrugs apart from one guy who shouts out.  "Apple!".  "That's right, and what do you do with it?" asks the warden.  "Eat it" the patient says.  So the warden congratulates him and tells him he is in charge of the first floor, handing him a key.

On the second floor he holds up a banana.  "Who can tell me what this is?" he asks.  Everyone shrugs apart from one guy who shouts out.  "Banana!".  "That's right, and what do you do with it?" asks the warden.  "Eat it" the patient says.  So the warden congratulates him and tells him he is in charge of the second floor, handing him a key.

He thinks the people on the third floor are a little brainier so he decides to hold up something else other than food.  He holds up a

Note: Ugh, I can't remember but I just typed the above out so if someone can tell me I'll be pretty grateful.  He holds up one of those things with a horn thing on the top that plays music... :huh:  :huh:

Husband V/S Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever
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Wife:I wish I was a newspaper,So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday.
************ ********* ********* *********
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
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Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
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Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it... So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
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Wife:What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
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