Why do Ducks have flat feet?

Quoting FunkyLA:

Quote:
I don't know, why do ducks have flat feet?

To stomp out forest fires.

Now, why do elephants have flat feet?

Quoting FunkyLA:

Quote:
I don't know, why do elephants have flat feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks! 


(my dad told me this joke when I was a pup and looked at me like I was weird when I kept laughing and laughing and ...)

Quoting Dr. Killpatient:

Quote:
Why do Ducks have flat feet?

...to make it easier to carry the Stanley Cup!

Quoting 8ballMax:

Quote:
I am selling one of my Barry Bonds rookie cards to the highest bidder.  I bought the card when I was in High School.

I for one do not believe that Barry took steroids at any point in his career and believe he will be in the Hall of Fame someday.

Below is a copy of the card.

     

A woman decides to have a facelift and breast implants for her 50th
birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 50," the
woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman
replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you
are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead.." He slips both of
his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and
carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each
nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't", she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

My step-father sent me this email: I thought those of a 'certain age'  might get a kick out of it. 

'FENDER SKIRTS'

  I came across this phrase yesterday 'FENDER SKIRTS.'

  A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started  me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language  with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers.'

  And 'steering knobs,’ (AKA) suicide knob.

  Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.

  Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

  Remember 'Continental kits?'

  They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool  as a Lincoln Continental.

  When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?'

  At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term.  But I miss the hint of drama that  went with 'emergency brake.'

  I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.'

  Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the 'running board' up to the house?

  Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore, 'store-bought.' Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

  'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing.  Now we take the term 'world wide' for granted.  This floors me.

  On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes.  In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting!  Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors.  Go figure.

  When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once considered a little too graphic, a little too  clinical, for use in polite company, so we had all that talk about stork  visits and 'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'

  Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.  I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.  I guess it's just 'bra' now. 'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

  I always loved! going to the 'picture  show,' but I considered 'movie' an affectation.

  Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day: 'rat fink.'  Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

  Here's a word I miss: 'percolator.'  That was just a fun word to say.  And what was it replaced with?  'Coffee maker.'  How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

  I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.  Words like 'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.'  Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'SpectraVision!'

  Food for thought: Was there a telethon  that wiped out lumbago?  Nobody complains of that anymore.  Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers  threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

  Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most,'supper.'  Now everybody says 'dinner.'

Save a great word.  Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

People over 35 should be dead.


To today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's
probably
shouldn't have survived..

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or

cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to
mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special
treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar
in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside
playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and
no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and
then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach
us all day.

No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video
games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround
sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat
rooms

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and
there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many
eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.>

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the
door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those
who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade
and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not
adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were
expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of.They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
ideas We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
Learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them!

Congratulations.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors,
doesn't it?