S  e  x  and good English.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, 'I'm Christiano Ronaldo, the world's number 1 footballer. FIFA needs me, I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, 'I am the wife of the Former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also New York Senator and a potential future President.' She just took the 2nd parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Julius Malema, said, 'I'm also a President. Millions of South African youth always look to me for guidance. Above all I'm the cleverest youth President in African history, and Africa's people Wont let me die. Furthermore, I have millions that I have not spent yet.
So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10yr old Chinese school boy, 'I'm old and have lived a fruitful life, God will decide my fate, so I'll let you have the last parachute'.
The boy said, 'It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Africa's cleverest (Julius) has taken my schoolbag'.

Werner Heisenberg was driving his car at great speed along the autobahn when a traffic police car pulled him over. The police officer approached the car, and as Heisenberg opened his window enquired of him "Do you know how fast you were driving, sir?". "No," replied Heisenberg. "But I know where I am."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'


'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo crap. It  tell me someone stole the tent.'

Some "Blonde" jokes
old but good nonetheless


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' 
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' 
 
CAR TROUBLE 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 
She says, 'What's the story?' 
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' 
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' 
 
SPEEDING TICKET 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' 
 
RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' 
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You  ARE on the other side.' 
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 
    'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; 
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 
    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 
    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 
    'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.' 
 
KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! 
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 
    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' 
 
ON THE SUN 

    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' 
    The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' 
    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' 
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' 
 
IN A VACUUM 

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' 
    She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is the vacuum switched on or off?' 
 
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL JOKES! 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond.  'They're watch dogs

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. ...








It's coming. ..







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?





She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are DISRESPECT-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a DISRESPECT-Clock. Every time you DISRESPECT the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never DISRESPECTED ANYONE."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe DISRESPECTED only two TIMES in his entire life."

"Where's JULIUS MALEMA'S?" asked the man.

"MALEMA's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a fan."

On Saturday last week I went to the Protea Police Station to certify my documents.

When I entered at the police station, I found a police officer reading the Bible.



I then asked him ' Who killed Abel, Adam's son?"



He answered, "I don't know just ask Sergeant Khumalo over there. He is the one who deals with murder cases..."