Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.

His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I am late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge. The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemon already left for work"

SHORT WITTY DICTIONARY




ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.



BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.



CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.



CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead..



COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.




EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.



INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.



MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.



RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.



SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.



SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.




TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.



YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.




and last but not least.....



WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character lines.

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.


As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up...

and all the other bells started to ring.

My wife left me yesterday. I feel so angry, confused and frustrated. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Do I butter both the slices of bread or just one?

Home Depot.

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
                   
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'

'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!'


Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!

      -WHO NEEDS OXFORD-

      Wonderfully described...

      CIGARETTE:
      A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

      MARRIAGE:
      It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

      LECTURE:
      An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

      CONFERENCE:
      The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

      COMPROMISE:
      The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

      TEARS:
      The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

      CONFERENCE ROOM:
      A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

      ECSTASY:
      A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

      CLASSIC:
      A book which people praise, but never read

      SMILE:
      A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

      OFFICE:
      A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

      YAWN:
      The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

      EXPERIENCE:
      The name men give to their Mistakes

      DIPLOMAT:
      A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

      OPTIMIST:
      A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

      MISER:
      A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

      FATHER:
      A banker provided by nature

      BOSS:
      Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

      POLITICIAN:
      One who shakes your Hand before elections and your Confidence later

      DOCTOR:
      A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

For Caroline: 
Subject: Words
Can you read these right…… the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce  produce . 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ..

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



Let's face it - English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine  in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you  fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"  You lovers of the English language might enjoy this too. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for  election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.  At other times the little word has real special  meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one  thing but to be dressed UP is special .And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning  but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in  the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.  If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.  When it doesn't rain for  awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so.......

Time for me to shut UP.!