 |
|
|
|
Welcome to the Invelos forums. Please read the forum
rules before posting.
Read access to our public forums is open to everyone. To post messages, a free
registration is required.
If you have an Invelos account, sign in to post.
|
|
|
|
|
Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
Page:
1... 32 33 34 35 36 ...47  Previous Next
|
|
The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread |
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
| Registered: March 14, 2007 | Reputation:  |  Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting widescreenforever: Quote:
For Caroline: 
Subject: Words
Can you read these right…… the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ..
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick" You lovers of the English language might enjoy this too. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special .And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so.......
Time for me to shut UP.!  Loved this! thanks!  | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | DEMENTIA QUIZ
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?
SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT.
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000
NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.
WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...
FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing
two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Overheard in a radio conversation by FBI while tapping into an Al Qaeda network:
Bin: Hi Achmad - we are winning da war, but we desperately need more guns – urgently.
Now because Bin is hiding in the mountains, the signal is not clear and make it very difficult for Achmad to hear
Achmad: What, buns? Are you stupid? We don’t even have bread now you ask for buns!!!
Bin: No Achmad, guns, do you hear Achmad – guns!!!!
Achmad: What—nuns? What the hell do you want to do with nuns, we chased them all out of the country, have you been drinking Bin?
Bin is now fuming -: Achmaaaaad – listen to me I want guns, can you hear – G for Jerusalem, U for Europe, N for Enemy and S for Israel – gunnnnssss!!! | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | BRIAN
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. Ichange a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died.............. I'm married to his f****ing' widow." | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | Subject: A GOOD LAWYER STORY.
This is priceless!
And especially so for those who have had to deal with the red tape of government...
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:
You have to love this lawyer........
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was immediately approved. | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
|  | Blair | | Resistance is Futile! |
| Registered: October 30, 2008 | | Posts: 1,249 |
| | Posted: | | | | I seem to post these two everywhere I go now (yes I recycle jokes). Now that I am watching this board a bit more I guess that it means I can't make this place an exception any longer:
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" | | | If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
He who MUST get the last word in on a pointless, endless argument doesn't win. It makes him the bigger jerk. |
| | Blair | | Resistance is Futile! |
| Registered: October 30, 2008 | | Posts: 1,249 |
| | Posted: | | | | A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing! You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cab Driver: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Driver: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Driver: "There's more." ... "He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger: "Wow, quite a guy then!"
Driver: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
Passenger: "There's not many like him around."
Driver: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "He sounds like an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Driver: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Driver: "I married his f'ing widow." | | | If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
He who MUST get the last word in on a pointless, endless argument doesn't win. It makes him the bigger jerk. |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 525 |
| | | Registered: March 14, 2007 |  Posts: 742 |
| | Posted: | | | | These questions about South Africa were posted on a south-african tourism-website and answered by said site's webmaster, who obviously has a very good day:
Q: Will I see elephants in the streets? (Enquiry from the USA)
A: It depends on how much alcohol you consume.
Q: Is it safe to wander around the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: Hm - so the rumors about the Swedes are true after all !?
Q: Are there ATMs in South Africa? Could you please send me a list of those in Johannesburg, Kapstadt, Knysna und Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Could you send me some information on Koalabear-races in South Africa (USA)?
A: Aus-tra-li-a is the big island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Af-ri-ca ist the big triangular continent south of Europe, and there are no ... oh, forget it. Sure, Koalabear-races take place every tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: What direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Look south, then turn around 180 degrees.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into the country of South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we all do.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, we don't need it. WE don't stink!
Q: Can you name regions for me in South Africa where there are less women then men? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Occasionally - i. e. approximately once a year.
Q: Do you have the bubonic plague in South Africa? (Germany)
A: No. But feel free to bring it with you!!
Q: Will I be able to speak English there? (USA)
A: Sure - if you know that language, you will be able to use it here as well.
Q: Please provide me with a list of hospitals that carry rattlesnake antidote. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes can only be found in the USA, where you come from. In South Africa there are only completely harmless snakes - those can be handled securely and are perfect playmates for hamsters and other pets
Q: Are there supermarkets in Kapstadt, and is milk available all year long? (Germany)
A: No, we are a nation of strictly vegetarian berry-collectors. Milk is illegal in our country.
Q: Does it actually rain in South Africa? I never saw it rain there on TV. How do your plants grow at all? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and put them in the ground here. Then we watch how they slowly dry up and wither. | | | | Lutz |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting Darxon: Quote:
These questions about South Africa were posted on a south-african tourism-website and answered by said site's webmaster, who obviously has a very good day:
Q: Will I see elephants in the streets? (Enquiry from the USA)
A: It depends on how much alcohol you consume.
Q: Is it safe to wander around the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: Hm - so the rumors about the Swedes are true after all !?
Q: Are there ATMs in South Africa? Could you please send me a list of those in Johannesburg, Kapstadt, Knysna und Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Could you send me some information on Koalabear-races in South Africa (USA)?
A: Aus-tra-li-a is the big island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Af-ri-ca ist the big triangular continent south of Europe, and there are no ... oh, forget it. Sure, Koalabear-races take place every tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: What direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Look south, then turn around 180 degrees.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into the country of South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we all do.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, we don't need it. WE don't stink!
Q: Can you name regions for me in South Africa where there are less women then men? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Occasionally - i. e. approximately once a year.
Q: Do you have the bubonic plague in South Africa? (Germany)
A: No. But feel free to bring it with you!!
Q: Will I be able to speak English there? (USA)
A: Sure - if you know that language, you will be able to use it here as well.
Q: Please provide me with a list of hospitals that carry rattlesnake antidote. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes can only be found in the USA, where you come from. In South Africa there are only completely harmless snakes - those can be handled securely and are perfect playmates for hamsters and other pets
Q: Are there supermarkets in Kapstadt, and is milk available all year long? (Germany)
A: No, we are a nation of strictly vegetarian berry-collectors. Milk is illegal in our country.
Q: Does it actually rain in South Africa? I never saw it rain there on TV. How do your plants grow at all? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and put them in the ground here. Then we watch how they slowly dry up and wither. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | It's Spainful
The game of Spain/Portugal was rigged, FIFA paid off Portugal to lose the game – they reckon –
No Spain – No Gain | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: December 16, 2007 |  Posts: 926 |
| | Posted: | | | | Q: Does it actually rain in South Africa? I never saw it rain there on TV. How do your plants grow at all? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and put them in the ground here. Then we watch how they slowly dry up and wither.
Not so funny really. RSA is one of the 6 botanical regions of the world. And it's a country! And not that big really, think Russia or China. Reason is the botanical richness. Lovers of succulents often specialize in plants from SA: Haworthia, Gasteria, Aloe, Lithops, Euphorbia, Crassula, Stapelia and many more. |
| | Registered: December 16, 2007 | | Posts: 926 |
| | Posted: | | | | Welwitschia Mirabilis, very old, probably more than 500 years or more.  | | | | Last edited: by railroaded |
| | Registered: December 16, 2007 | | Posts: 926 |
| | Posted: | | | | Lithops julii  | | | | Last edited: by railroaded |
| | Registered: December 16, 2007 | | Posts: 926 |
| | Posted: | | | | Haworthia Truncata  |
|
|
|
Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
Page:
1... 32 33 34 35 36 ...47 Previous Next
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |