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Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
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The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread |
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| Author |
Message |
| Registered: December 16, 2007 |  Posts: 926 |
| | Posted: | | | | | | | | Last edited: by railroaded |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 |  Posts: 742 |
| | Posted: | | | | Quoting railroaded: Quote:
Q: Does it actually rain in South Africa? I never saw it rain there on TV. How do your plants grow at all? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and put them in the ground here. Then we watch how they slowly dry up and wither.
Not so funny really. RSA is one of the 6 botanical regions of the world. And it's a country! And not that big really, think Russia or China. Reason is the botanical richness. Lovers of succulents often specialize in plants from SA: Haworthia, Gasteria, Aloe, Lithops, Euphorbia, Crassula, Stapelia and many more. You did read the introductory part to my post, did you? I fail to see how the answer isn't funny at all. BTW, I also fail to see the joke in the botanical pictures you posted, after all, this is supposed to be a joke thread | | | | Lutz |
| | Registered: April 17, 2007 |  Posts: 19 |
| | Posted: | | | |  Wrong place. | | | | Last edited: by lovemunkey187 |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 |  Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | UP
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do
we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now........my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP.
Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.
Don't forget, when you're angry at someone, it's Up Yours!!!!!
Now I'll shut UP! | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | Reputation:  |  Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Corny but funny nonetheless!
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
When behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP...
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
And,
The coffin stops! | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | | Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | The Haircut.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politician's who run it.
POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND FOR THE SAME REASON! | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | 5 Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire
Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of… and I have quite the imagination…
So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….
Technique #1: Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article.
So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby
This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
• Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
• Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
• Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
• Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.
Technique #3: The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.
• You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
• Put everything white and light coloured in one and everything dark coloured in the other.
• Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
• Add the light pile. Close the lid.
• Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish.
• Repeat with the dark colours except use cold water.
Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing - that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down
This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.
• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
• Every time.
I know… I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.
Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification
This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.
• Learn to cook a whole meal.
• When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
• While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
• While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1 | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline | | | | Last edited: by Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Stay
I pulled into the crowded car park at the local supermarket and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Lab Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, 'Why don't you just put the handbrake on? | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | Economics Teacher: Class, can you give me an example of a complete business failure due to professional negligence?
Little Johnny: A pregnant prostitute..... | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 14, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,652 |
| | Posted: | | | | A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before. | | | <---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline |
| | Registered: March 29, 2007 | Reputation:  | | Posts: 2,746 |
| | Posted: | | | | Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from "Mississippi State University" and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." | | | | Marty - Registered July 10, 2004, User since 2002. |
| | Registered: March 29, 2007 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,746 |
| | Posted: | | | | After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altit ude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget. | | | | Marty - Registered July 10, 2004, User since 2002. |
| | Registered: September 18, 2008 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,650 |
| | Posted: | | | | Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up." |
| | Registered: September 18, 2008 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,650 |
| | Posted: | | | | Three men were captured by savages and told their cocks would be removed in a way appropriate to their job!
The first man was a lumber jack, so his cock would be chopped off!
The second man was a butcher, so his cock would be sliced off!
The third man started laughing. His captors, puzzled by this, asked "why are you laughing?" the man replied "I work in a lollipop factory!" |
| | Registered: September 18, 2008 | | Reputation: | | Posts: 2,650 |
| | Posted: | | | | I said to my wife, "This woman keeps annoying me and I don't want to talk to her, what should I do?"
She said, "Make something up like, your boss just text you, you have to go into work, it's an emergency."
I said, "I would love to keep chatting, but my boss text me there, I have to go to work, I think it's an emergency." |
| | Registered: March 13, 2007 | | Posts: 1,796 |
| | Posted: | | | | Are You a Doctor?
A father walks into a market followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is flipping a quarter into the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment: the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. Naturally, the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches out of the air with his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before!" the father says. "It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, taking another sip of his coffee. "I work for the Internal Revenue Service." | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
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Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
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