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The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread
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DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorSrehtims
Registered: March 13, 2007
United States Posts: 1,796
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All the ladies will love this one...

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'
___________________________

Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s--t.'
We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own.
Ineptocracy, You got to love it.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
Reputation: High Rating
South Africa Posts: 2,652
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" 
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." 
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." 
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" 
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
Reputation: High Rating
South Africa Posts: 2,652
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Ode to a Spell Checker
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

--Author Unknown
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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South Africa Posts: 2,652
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1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it... What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantEdwinK
Registered: May 27, 2007
Netherlands Posts: 691
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Loved #4
Unfortunately, I can't use DVDprofiler at the moment due to lack of a Windows computer.
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar Contributorwidescreenforever
Under A Double DoubleW
Registered: March 13, 2007
Reputation: High Rating
Canada Posts: 5,493
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I liked them all..... - going into my scrapbook..
In the 60's, People took Acid to make the world Weird. Now the World is weird and People take Prozac to make it Normal.

Terry
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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South Africa Posts: 2,652
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A True (??)  Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning at Lake Kariba, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a puff adder with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in Africa.
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Desktop and Mobile Registrantkahless
TaH pagh taHbe'!
Registered: March 14, 2007
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Germany Posts: 17,804
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Good one, Caroline!! 
Thorsten
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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South Africa Posts: 2,652
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.. Then, it was already 01P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M . He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,
' Father, may I ask a favour? '
' Of course child. What can I do for you? '
' Well, I bought an expensive woman ' s electric hair dryer for my Mother ' s birthday
that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I ' m afraid they ' ll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry It through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps
' I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie. '
' With your honest face, Father, no one will question you. '
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, ' Father, do you have anything to declare? '
' From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. '
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ' And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor? '
' I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused. '
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ' Go ahead, Father. Next! '
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket. he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.  The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an unfriendly person!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir?”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for unfriendly person?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorSpaceFreakMicha
Jesus-Freak
Registered: March 13, 2007
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I feel cheated. This is "The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread". 36 pages and not one joke about DVD Profiler? 










 
 Last edited: by SpaceFreakMicha
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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Quoting SpaceFreakMicha:
Quote:
I feel cheated. This is "The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread". 36 pages and not one joke about DVD Profiler? 










 

 
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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Who Knew??


1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me!
I used to drink the shiitake mushroom !
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantStar ContributorCaroline
My 3 kittehs
Registered: March 14, 2007
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Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.


Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered like one of the family.


A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.


For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.


Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.


Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.


We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.


Great Dames for sale.


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.


Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.


Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.


The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.


Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.


Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.


Stock up and save. Limit: one.


We build bodies that last a lifetime.


For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.


Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.


Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.


UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!


Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.


Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.


Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.


3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.


Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.


Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.


Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.


Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.


Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.


Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.


And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.


We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


?
<---------Mithrandir, Laverne and Shirley
Caroline
DVD Profiler Unlimited RegistrantShinyDiscGuy
Registered: March 10, 2009
Posts: 2,248
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