A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

~~?~~

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

~~?~~

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Where White Man Went Wrong

Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. government official, "You have observed the white
man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and
the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official then replied.

"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean
water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian spent all day hunting and fishing, all night
having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could inprove system
like that"

I saw a blonde at the Post Office shouting into an envelope, so I asked her what she was doing.
She said “I am sending a voice mail”

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him... 

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day; he went to pay for his groceries. 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. 

"How come so much?  I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

Quoting Kathy:

Quote:
Why 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS) is one smart guy:...

Actually Andy Rooney did not write or espouse that piece.  It was a rewrite or embellishment of this piece written by Frank Kaiser in 2000

Quote:
In Praise of
Older Women

       
By Frank Kaiser   
One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible.

Today, now in my 70s, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.

But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.

As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:

    * An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.

    * An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

    * An older woman has been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!

    * And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!

            Her libido's stronger.

            Her fear of pregnancy's gone.

            Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.

            And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)
    * Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.

      “If the Lord made anything better than a woman, He kept it for Himself.” — Jerry Lee Lewis

    * An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!

    * Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

    * Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.

    * An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

    * Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old coot clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

Still humorous no matter the source...

Charlie

While  creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would  be found  in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round. 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."