HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN...

1) Take off clothing and neatly place them in laundry basket according to whites and darks.

2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush through the door.

3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, and stick your tummy out so that you can complain even more about how fat you're getting, how big your bum's becoming, and how far your tits are heading south.

4) Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, sponge and pumice stone.

5) Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Mint shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6) Wash your hair a second time with Strawberry and Apple Blossom shampoo with 97 added minerals.

7) Condition your hair with Grapefruit and Aloe-Vera conditioner enhanced with natural Crocus oil. Leave on hair for at least 15 minutes.

8) Wash your face with crushed Apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until almost red raw.

9) Wash the rest of entire body with natural Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10) Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12) Scream loudly when your boyfriend deliberately flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13) Turn off shower.

14) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with bottle of Flash spray.

15) Get out of shower. Dry body with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16) Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit or stray hair. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown, big bunny slippers and yet another towel on head.

18) If you see your boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Repeat on a DAILY basis.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN...

1) Take off clothes and leave them in a random pile on the floor, ready for when finished in bathroom.

2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend along the way, flash at her making the "Woo, woo" sound, point arse at her and fart. Enjoy disgusted look on her face.

3) Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your willy in the mirror, scratch your balls, break wind again loudly. Choke on the evil aroma from yesterdays Madras and twelve beers.

4) Get in the shower.

5) Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6) Wash your face.

7) Rinse your armpits.

8) Laugh loudly at how your farting echos in the shower.

9) Rinse your privates and surrounding area.

10) Wash your arse, leaving hair on the soap bar and in the plug-hole.

11) Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12) Make a shampoo Mohawk (yeah!).

13) Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14) Pee (in the shower).

15) Rinse off hair and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath when you checked your excellent Mohawk.

16) Partial dry off.

17) Look at yourself in the mirror again, flex puny muscles. Admire willy size once more.

18) Fart yet again, accidentally follow through so quickly repeat step 10 (above).

19) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat crumpled on the floor.

20) Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21) Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend, pull off the towel, grab your willy, go "Yeah baby!" and thrust your pelvis at her.

22) Throw wet towel on the bed. Sniff clothes still left on floor. Take less than 2 minutes to get dressed again.

Repeat on a WEEKLY basis.

Three Holy Men & A Bear.
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi
All served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee snd to talk shop.

ne day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard -
a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach

To it and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss

Their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body
and limbs went first.
'Well,' he said,
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear  wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around..
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
He  became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a  wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts,
and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone

Oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted

Nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,
UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul..
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb... We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him..
He was in Really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it,
Circumcision may Not have been the best way to start."

BREAKING NEWS:? President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake
occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama
also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation
of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven
that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Law of the Garbage Truck.

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.

We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car drove right out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

FENDER SKIRTS. 
I know some of you will not understand this message, but I bet you know someone who might.
I came across this phrase yesterday.  'FENDER  SKIRTS.'

A  term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb  feelers.'

And 'steering knobs.' (AKA) 'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.
Any kids will probably have to find some older person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember 'Continental  kits?'  They  were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?'  At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term.  But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.' Yes and the 'emergency brake was a brake located on the drive shaft. 

I'm  sad, too, thatalmost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.'  Many today do not even know what a clutch is or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor.

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the'running  board' up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - 'store-bought.'  Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.  But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. There once was a store by that name.
Now we take the term 'world wide' for granted.  This floors me.
 
On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes.  In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting!  Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors.  Go figure.

When was the last time you heard the quaint  phrase 'in a family way ?'  It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company, so we had all that talk about stork visits and 'being in a family way' or simply  'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.  I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.  I guess it's just 'bra' now.  'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,' but I considered 'movie' an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure '60s word I came across the other day 'rat fink.'  Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.'  That was just a fun word to say.  And what was it replaced with  'Coffee maker.' 
How dull...  Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
 
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.  Words like'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.'  Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'SpectraVision!'

Food for thought.  Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?  Nobody complains of that anymore.  Maybe that's what Castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with Castor oil anymore.

(Dr. Oz has brought castor oil back)

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.  The one that grieves me most is 'supper.'  Now everybody says 'dinner.'  Save a great word. Invite someone to supper.  Discuss fender skirts..

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a 'certain age' would remember most of these.

Just for fun, pass it along to others of 'a certain age.'

IF YOU AREN'T OF A CERTAIN AGE, YOU MUST KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS.

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's house.
_________________________________________________

ALL you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:
** Pythagorean theorem:....................................................24 words.
** Lord's prayer:...................................................................66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle:.......................................................67 words.
** 10 Commandments:.......................................................179 words.
** Gettysburg address:......................................................286 words.
** Declaration of Independence :........................................1,300 words.
** US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:........................7,818 words.
** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage...........26,911 words.
** US Health Care Regulations:  .......................................approx. 2,600 pages.

SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PROPER PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?????

Are you laughing?

Creation.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.? For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."?

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.? How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"?

So God agreed......

?
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.? For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."?

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?? That's a pretty long time to perform.? How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"?

And God agreed......

?
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.? For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."?

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.? How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"?

And God agreed again......?

?
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.? For this, I'll give you twenty years."?

But the human said, "Only twenty years?? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"?

"Okay," said God.?"You asked for it."?

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.? For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family..? For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.? And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.?

Life has now been explained to you.?

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.? I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me. I will be on the front porch.

Best little Johnny Joke ever.

Lil Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No, said Obama, that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not, explained Obama. That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic! exclaimed Obama. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss,
and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."