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Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
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The Dvdprofiler Joke Thread |
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Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 3,436 |
| Posted: | | | | The company executives of Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch), Heineken and Guiness were sitting in a bar. The waitress comes to take the order.
The Anheuser-Busch guy: "Budweiser", please.
The Heineken boss: "Heineken for me."
The Guiness manager: "Lemonade"
The other two guys are irritated and ask: Why did you order lemonade and not Guiness...?"
He answers: "I thought if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither should I." | | | Achim [諾亞信; Ya-Shin//Nuo], a German in Taiwan. Registered: May 29, 2000 (at InterVocative) | | | Last edited: by nuoyaxin |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 525 |
| Posted: | | | | Quoting skipnet50: Quote: Jean-Paul:
Careful...cheesehead has a different meaning over here, nickname for Green Bay Packers Football fans. Football NOT Soccer.
Skip Any game where for 59 minutes there is no one on the field eligible to kick the ball, can not be called football. Only 2 countries don't call football football. | | | Home of the phpDVDProfiler forums |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 460 |
| Posted: | | | | Quoting ya_shin: Quote: The company executives of Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch), Heinicken and Guiness were sitting in a bar. The waitress comes to take the order.
The Anheuser-Busch guy: "Budweiser", please.
The Heinicken boss: "Heinicken for me."
The Guiness manager: "Lemonade"
The other two guys are irritated and ask: Why did you order lemonade and not Guiness...?"
He answers: "I thought if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither should I." I resent that remark ... it is Heineken | | | Jean-Paul |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 671 |
| Posted: | | | | A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours ." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied, lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!" | | | The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet. (William Gibson) |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 3,436 |
| Posted: | | | | Quoting JP_S: Quote: I resent that remark ... it is Heineken I apologize and corrected my post I know you were joking and so am I; I still corrected the post, though. | | | Achim [諾亞信; Ya-Shin//Nuo], a German in Taiwan. Registered: May 29, 2000 (at InterVocative) |
| Registered: May 29, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 3,475 |
| Posted: | | | | WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shiitake mushroom. |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 940 |
| Posted: | | | | A blonde is driving down the interstate when unexpectedly she gets a flat tire. Carefully, she eases to the shoulder of the road and steps out of her car heading to the trunk. She opens the trunk and pulls out 2 cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of her car facing traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't long before a police officer arrives on the scene. Clearly enraged, he approaches the blonde yelling "What is going on here?" "My car broke down officer." she says calmly. "Well what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing out on the road?" the officer asks the woman. Confused by the officers question the blonde responds "Hellooo.......Those are my Emergency Flashers!" | | | Kevin |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,796 |
| Posted: | | | | HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed . Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed 20 Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!! | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own. Ineptocracy, You got to love it. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,796 |
| Posted: | | | | The Little Red Hen (Modern Version) Once upon a time, on a farm in Indiana, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I 'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle." And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared .... as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for. Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT? | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own. Ineptocracy, You got to love it. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 1,796 |
| Posted: | | | | She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in... She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all....right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' | | | We don't need stinkin' IMDB's errors, we make our own. Ineptocracy, You got to love it. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 3,436 |
| Posted: | | | | Quoting Srehtims: Quote: I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!! | | | Achim [諾亞信; Ya-Shin//Nuo], a German in Taiwan. Registered: May 29, 2000 (at InterVocative) |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 940 |
| Posted: | | | | A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again! | | | Kevin |
| Registered: May 29, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 3,475 |
| Posted: | | | | This video is great! http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/10/snowball-dancing-cockatoo.html | | | Last edited: by Kathy |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 3,436 |
| Posted: | | | | Quoting Kathy: Quote: This video is great! http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/10/snowball-dancing-cockatoo.html Longer version directly from YouTube: | | | Achim [諾亞信; Ya-Shin//Nuo], a German in Taiwan. Registered: May 29, 2000 (at InterVocative) |
| Registered: March 13, 2007 | Posts: 671 |
| Posted: | | | | Five germans in an Audi Quattro arrives at the italian border. The italian border guard stops them and says: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in af Quattro" "Vot do you mean et'z illegal?" asks the german driver of the car. "Quattro meansa four" the guard replies. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" says the german, not understanding anything. "Look at ze papers: zis car is disignt to kerry 5 persons". "You can'ta pulla thata one on me" The italian says. "Quattro meanse four. You have five a people ina your car and you are therforea breaking the low". The german driver looses patience: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence." "Sorry" the italian says. "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno!" | | | The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet. (William Gibson) |
| Registered: March 16, 2007 | Reputation: | Posts: 943 |
| Posted: | | | | The Lion Sleeps Tonight The Shark Attack | | | Just in from somewhere left of the middle of nowhere The Holy See Hell | | | Last edited: by Floorwalker |
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Invelos Forums->General: General Discussion |
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