Bad Day at Work

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block #8 of the accident form, I put 'trying to do the job alone' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report that I weigh 170 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and the broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel then weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block #11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body area. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighted more than the rope, so it came back down on me and broke both my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you requested.


Steve

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
____________ _________ _________ __
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies : "Thanks for the early warning."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.


The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'

The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'

The judge responded, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!
____________________________________________________

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
----------------------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
--------------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---------------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old! 
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything queter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
-----------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
---------------------------------------------
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
------------------------------------------------
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

School Then  1957  vs  School Now  2007

   
        #1. Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into
                                school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
   
        1957 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. Principal goes
                    to his own car and gets out  his shotgun to show Jack.
   
        2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is
                  hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.
                  Counselors called  in for traumatized students and teachers.
   
   
   
        #2. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
   
        1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and
                  end up best friends.
   
        2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are
                  arrested and charged with assault.
                  Both are expelled  even though Johnny  started it.
   
   
      #3. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class,  disrupts other  students.
   
        1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
                  principal. He returns to class, sits still,
                  and does not disrupt class again.
   
        2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of
                  Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because
                  Jeffrey has a learning disability.
   
   
   
        #4. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car
                and his Dad  gives him a whipping with his belt.
   
        1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up, goes to college,
                  and becomes a successful businessman.
   
        2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in
                  foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister
                  that she ‘remembers’  being abused herself, and their dad goes off to prison.
                  Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
   
   
        #5. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
   
        1957 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking deck.
   
        2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug
                  violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.
   
   
   
        #6. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.   
        1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English,
                  goes to  college.
   
        2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles
                  appear  nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
                  graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state
                  school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core
                curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns
                for a living because he cannot speak English.
   
   
   
    #7. Scenario:  1957 - Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from
                                        4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle,
                                        blows up a red ant bed.  Ants die.
   
                              2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security,
                                        and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI
                                        investigates parents; siblings are removed from home; computers
                                        confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never
                                        allowed to fly again.
   
   
   
        #8. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes
      his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him
      to comfort him.
   
        1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
   
        2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her
                  job. She faces three years in state prison.
                  Johnny parents sue School district for $50 Million for Neglect, Sexual Abuse & Suffering. 
                  Johnny undergoes five years of therapy .

A licensed counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny .
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Quoting Rander:

Quote:
I bought a teddy today for $5, named him Mohammed then sold him on for $10.

Question is, have I made a prophet?

           

oy vey what a pun...   

Quoting Rander:

Quote:
I bought a teddy today for $5, named him Mohammed then sold him on for $10.

Question is, have I made a prophet?

Pix please!

Oh, wait...