I saw this posted in another forum, and couldn't stop laughing so I thought i would share.

Quote:
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

That, and lolcats, made my dreary Monday brighter. Thanks.

Yeah, been there, done that.

I worked the flightline for the 4th TRS at Bergstrom AFB. Phone would ring, "RED BALL: COM!"

I'd grab my toolbag and a set of headphones. By the time I had them, the door would be open and the crew chief van would be at the door (I would not have to step onto the tarmac). I'd get a quick briefing from the crewchief, who had no clue what he was talking about, just to make sure I'd enter into the problem with a great deal of confusion.

At the RF-4C, I'd step out of the van, headset on, plug extended. A crewchief would unplug from the comlink cable, I'd plug in, introduce myself: "Sgt. Adams, sir, how can I help you?"

Invariably, the navigator would talk to me, the pilot deeming me unworthy. "No com on any radio."

(There were only two radios on the RF-4C, and they never used the HF radio on the ground.)

I'd ask, "You hear nothing, and no one responds to anything you say, sir?"

"That's right, airman."

"Sergeant Adams, sir. Yes. Please turn off your Crypto device."

"There is no Crypto device on stateside aircraft, airman."

"Yesssir, please turn off the control box, as not to send the signal to a black box which is missing."

"There is no Crypto device on stateside aircraft, airman."

"Sergeant, sir. Yes. But you do have the Crypto control box on the righthand forward controls, sir? Yesssir. Turn it off, please. I think you'll find that it's in the 'on' position."

"I HAVE NO CRYPTO UNIT, AIRMAN!"

"Sir. You DO have a Crypto control box. Please look, sir. If it's missing we need to abort the mission. Please find it."

Finally the pilot would chime in. "Turn the damned Crypto unit off, Lieutenant. Turn it off like the sergeant is telling you to. I want to launch, idiot."

"Yes, Captain."

A minute would pass.

"Com ok."

Never a thank you.



Two hours later in debriefing, I'd get called in. The Lieutenant wanted the Crypto unit to be fixed.

"How do I fix a unit which isn't there, sir?" I'd ask.

The pilot would be laughing with the maintenance officer.

"Why is there a control panel for a unit that doesn't exist?" the lieutenant would complain.

"Sir. Because the crew chiefs were tired of cutting apart the dash panels where newbie navigators would cause their hands to get stuck in the empty space. Sir."

The lieutenant would start to answer, get nudged by the pilot, and shut up, redfaced.


Next week, same scenario, new navigator.

Every week of the year.

I ha already read most of those in the first post sometime ago, still make me smirk.

But Cliff's little story made me laugh again as I did when I read them the first time around.

Thanks for sharing, Cliff.